Waiting and Fading and Floating Away

Today I rode a bike in Berlin for the first time. This may not sound like much, but it felt fairly significant to me. Bikes are a major mode of transportation here and I've been nearly run over by them more than once (particularly in my first couple of weeks when no one told me that the red sidewalk is a bike lane). It was also kind of special to me for two other reasons. One, J and I were riding to the park to play soccer together, which is a sign that we are getting along much better. And two, spring is here! I  can't tell you how much the arrival of spring means to me. These last two weeks have been some of my more difficult ones here and the sunshine has helped me to stay positive.

I'm still absolutely in love with this city, but I've been dealing more recently with all of the problems associated with leaving your own country and distancing yourself from all of the things that you are familiar with and the people you are most connected to. Mentally, I've been through a lot since my last posting. I've had to come to terms with the fact that sometimes life shoves a wedge between two people who were once very close. I've also had to accept that my family is very far away and will now have to fill a different role in my life. I feel like I'm missing a lot back home (last week was my brother's 18th birthday and I didn't even get to talk to him), and sometimes it seems a little selfish of me to stay here. But I'm learning to take care of myself first and foremost, something that has not always been my primary motivation. And I'm also dealing with the little issues that come from living in a new country. We don't always realize how much information we pick up about procedures and rules and society while growing up somewhere. Here, even the facts that I take for granted can be different. I have to admit that laws are different and people think differently. Sometimes its easy to get caught up in all of the wonder of this city and forget all of the obstacles that I still have to face if I decide to make a future here. One particular hurdle I have had to deal with the last few weeks has been receiving mail from home. I got a box full of love from my mom, but I had to go to the post office and pay import taxes before I could pick it up. I was also supposed to get a box from my grandma. This box was sent through FedEx (the first one came through USPS) and so I got a letter from FedEx asking me to transfer the money for the taxes, and then they would forward the box to me. Unfortunately, after paying the taxes, I found out that the box was returned to the States for some reason. Now I've spent all week working on translating back and forth from German to English and getting FedEx to refund my money. I think it's finally working out, but it was a hassle that I didn't expect or appreciate.

I'm not trying to complain, so I hope this blog doesn't come off that way. I just want to offer a realistic picture for other people who are considering becoming expats. It's not always easy. And you really have to have a certain state of mind to handle it. I've seen several people fail at this lifestyle, often because they fail to assimilate into the new culture around them. It's not enough to live in another country. You have to be willing to change and become a part of it. You also have to have a pretty thick skin. I sometimes get a lot of crap here because I'm an American. Usually it's just in jest, and we all laugh and make fun of one another's accents and that's fine. Every once in awhile though, you get someone who is genuinely shallow minded. I met a girl last weekend who refused to respect me because I have shot a gun and my family owns guns. To her, this made me the barbaric American. She couldn't possibly see any reason that I should ever have had contact with guns. With people like her, you just have to let it go and not worry about why they can't open their mind to your point of view.

Sorry if this blog has come across as a little ramble-y. I'm very tired and have had a lot on my mind these last few days (obviously). I can try and tell you a little bit about what I've done since I last wrote, but there's not really much to tell. I've been working a little less, but I think I've been spending more quality time with my kids and I feel like we're doing really well. I've gone to two birthday parties, neither of which I really enjoyed. The first one I didn't enjoy because I had a rough day leading up to it with only a few hours of sleep and I was upset about some things going on. The second I didn't enjoy because I didn't know anyone and the birthday girl and her friend were snarky and rude. This last weekend I had a three day weekend, which I really got to enjoy. I spent some time relaxing and watching movies with some good friends. We watched Pirate Radio, which was apparently called The Boat That Rocked outside the US. I still have no idea why they change the titles. I would understand if they were translating it and didn't translate word for word, but why change it to another English title? Anyway, it was excellent, and I highly recommend it. Saturday was St Patrick's Day, so Martina and I went out. It was a decent night. We went back to Bahamas, the bar with the sand on the floors, because all of the Irish places were packed. And then we went dancing. I do love dancing. I can't believe I never realized that before.

I feel like this entry has all come across as a bit cranky, so I'm going to leave it at this. Hopefully when I write again life will have settled down a bit stress wise. I just wanna say I love my family and I miss you guys like crazy. I'll try to make the rounds with phone calls here again soon after I've caught up on some sleep.

Today you get two songs! Sort of. The first is a song that we're teaching the kids in my group at the Kita. It's called Die Raupe Ursula (translated: Ursula the Caterpillar). It's kind of cute but mostly it just GETS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOREVER! Enjoy :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8XE53oR9rI

The second song is another that's been stuck in my head and is also the namesake for today's blog. It's called Panic Switch by the Silversun Pickups. You can watch it here.