That Time

I wanted to write a special post today because today is kind of special. Exactly one month from today I will be home. I'll set foot once again in the city that I have spent the vast majority of my life in. And, at least to me, that's kind of a big deal. So I want to see if I can try and explain a little bit what that feels like to me right now.

I am looking forward to going home. Going home will be easy. Like letting out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Because you don't realize how much you have to think here. You know nothing here. Everything you've ever learned is thrown out the window. Every law, every societal practice, every proper channel, it's all different. And all that trying, all that thinking through every move, it's exhausting. But at home I'll be a master. Nothing can scare me anymore because if I can do it in a foreign country, then I can do it at home. No problem.

On the other hand, I'm terrified of going back. I left home for a reason. As beautiful and wonderful as Washington is, there were aspects that I had just outgrown. And I know that I've changed a lot since coming to Germany, I just don't know in exactly what ways I've changed. So when I go back, I don't have any idea what will happen. I don't know what I'll be doing or who I'll be doing it with. I don't know how I'll react to people and their views. I don't even know how long I'll stay. And I am terrible at not knowing things.

Berlin is the most welcoming city I've ever been in. It speaks to me and comforts me on a level that I hadn't known was possible before. I love this city. And I know I'll be back. But for now I also know, deep in my heart, that it's time to go home. For everything that my first year abroad has taught me and shown me, for every breathtaking moment that I'll never forget, there's always been that constant struggle. The learning, the mistakes, the hard days. I need to reset, regroup, and then start again. And I think only the familiarity of my childhood home and being surrounded by the people I've always known can do that for me right now.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and while we're not celebrating it here, I just want to say that I am thankful. I'm so thankful for the past 11 months because they've given me the chance to fulfill so many dreams that I'd hardly dared to hope for and because they've shaped me into a whole new person. A person who is both excited and terrified to start on the next leg of an adventure that I know will continue to amaze and to challenge me for the rest of my life.

See you all in a month.